Sticky Fingers: Best Office Memo Ever

CakeSpy Note: This is an actual office memo from Mr. CakeSpy's office. Names have been changed to protect the innocent, but otherwise it is printed exactly as it appeared.

FROM: BOSS

TO: STAFF

SUBJECT: CANDY!

You love it, we get a lot of it, a whole lot of it. And we eat a lot of it, A WHOLE LOT OF IT [it is at this point that I would normally swear up a storm in a lowbrow attempt at potty mouth humor, please insert random cussing to the level you deem appropriate]. Sometimes Jill* (name has been changed)isn’t at her desk to refill it, so you go into her desk and maybe refill it yourself. While I like the can-do spirit, in practice this is a very bad idea for a number of reasons. 

  1. This is Jill's desk, and yes it is in a public place (so are most of yours BTW), but it is still her desk, please be respectful of that space.
  2. We appear to be going through candy like a bunch of oompa loompas on speed. Or crystal meth. But not oompa loompas on Heroin, as those guys are sad little creatures that just hang out in the wallpaper licking room completely oblivious. I digress. We are eating a metric f#(k-ton [comic book cussing!] of candy. When we get an order on Friday morning it can sometimes be gone by Monday. And this is happening at an alarming rate. 

“But what can I do”? you ask. “I am completely addicted to that sugary high”. I have a couple of suggestions, the first one being less of a suggestion and more of a command. 

  1. Stop going into Jill's desk. I don’t care if you have the oompa loompa shakes. Wait until the container gets refilled. Or go downstairs, or if it is really bad, QFC sells a lot of candy. Second Aisle on the right if you are facing north.
  2.  Actually point 1 covered everything I wanted to say. So read it again. If we can’t do that we will most likely have to completely cut off the flow of that stuff, right at the source, which would mean cold turkey withdrawals for everyone. Not good. So read 1 again.
  3. You could also beg and plead for Danny Oleson to get more sugary treats from his wife (/). But that will just put you further down the oompa loompa hole.