Hear thee, hear thee!

I have alarming news about the world: it is overrun with locally produced, artisan desserts. It's a frightening time to be alive, when where bearing a Twinkie or Snowball in your hand is viewed almost as disdainfully as smoking a cigarette in front of an elementary school.

Why is it so terrible to take deep pleasure in sub-standard, commerically produced desserts? After all, life is short, and we have the right to derive pleasure both from high quality, lovingly baked desserts, as well as the ones that don't have any benefit but our gratification.

What follows is not just a series of commandments about guilty pleasure desserts, but an ode to their very essence! Follow these commandments for a life filled with guilty yet pleasurable sugary bliss.

Thou shalt not be local

A guilty pleasure shouldn't be a locally made food, unless you happen to live down the block from the Pop-Tart factory (in which case, I've been meaning to ask, can I move in with you?)

Thou shalt not be organic

If it has the word "organic" on it, be immediately suspicious of its guilty pleasure capacity. I've never in my life seen a package of Goetze's bullseye caramels labeled "organic"...have you?

Thou shalt not bear the word "artisan"

"Artisan" is a sure fire sign of quality that is not in the sphere of guilty pleasuredom. It is not a common attribute of a guilty pleaure dessert.

Thou shalt be pre-packaged

If a dessert item is in plastic packaging, this is a very good sign. I am not talking about plastic wrap here, but the kind of plastic cello packaging that is sealed by machines. All the better if units are individually packaged and then put in a common box, such as Little Debbie brownies.

Thou shalt possess a list of ingredients totaling one mile long

If you are in doubt about whether or not a food can be considered a guilty pleasure, take a look at the ingredient list. If it is short and you can pronounce every single word on it, immediately put it back on the shelf and keep looking. Your guilty pleasure item should contain an impressive list of ingredients, most of which you do not recognize and/or cannot pronounce.

Thou shalt not be classified as health food, ever

If anything about a dessert item smacks of health food, give it a wide berth. I'll be the first to admit that there are exceptions: Little Debbie's oatmeal creme pies might sound fairly virtuous, and I suppose the orange content in creamsicles could lull you into a sense of health security.

Thou shalt not possess colors readily found in nature

We eat with our eyes first, so guilty pleasure desserts benefit from a healthy dose of color. But watch out: if the color looks suspiciously like one found in nature, it might not actually be a guilty pleasure. If it has a palette which vaguely resembles the colors of a Lisa Frank trapper keeper, you're in business.

Thou shalt not cost an arm and a leg

Have you ever anyone saying "these $4.25 a pop cupcakes made with all local organic ingredients are my guilty pleasure"? No. Twinkies are a guilty pleasure, and if you shop right, you can get two whole boxes for that price.

Thou shalt not possess nutritional benefits

What kind of nutritional benefits should a guilty pleasure dessert have? It should have zero. I firmly believe that the primary benefit of a guilty pleasure dessert is on a mental level and you shouldn't sully it with physical benefits. Or, put it this way: nobody in the history of ever has eaten Snowballs because coconut is high in manganese.

Thou shalt feel right at home in a child's school lunchbox

Here's a good test for whether a dessert classifies as a guilty pleasure or not. Would a six year old kid be psyched to find it in their lunch box? If so, you may have a guilty pleasure dessert on your hands.

What is your governing law of what constitutes a guilty pleasure? Leave a comment!

Occasionally, we're asked if we'd like to try new products. Generally these inquiries are mass emails from marketing or PR companies, and much of the time, we delete them--we generally like to sleuth the sweet stuff ourselves. But when we received an email last week from Philly Swirl asking if we'd like to try their new product, Ice Cream Cupcakes, we were...intrigued. Maybe it was the hint of warmth in the air, making us nostalgic for ice cream truck visits in the summer. Maybe it was just the sprinkles in the sample picture (cute!). But whatever the reason, we accepted the sample, which arrived in a container packed with dry ice (très dramatique).

The cupcakes are comprised of several layers: a top whipped frosting layer, followed by a layer of ice cream, then anchored by a sponge cake layer, covered with a thin hard chocolate shell molded in the shape of a cupcake wrapper. The taste, while not fancy, is satisfying nonetheless--somehow eating them made us sort of giddy, in the same way that dixie cups for a class party or a visit from the ice cream man might. That is to say, insanely eatable, perhaps in the same way that US Weekly, while not fine literature, is insanely readable. A guilty pleasure.

Of course, this got us thinking about the guilty pleasure. From grocery store birthday cakes to Twinkies to chocolate covered pretzels, we all have them. And since the Cakespy crew has been "tagged" several times to reveal some facts about ourselves, we thought we'd satisfy it by revealing five of our crew's various deep, dark, secret guilty pleasures:

Guilty Pleasure 1: Hot Chocolate from 7-11

Yes, it's made using water, and a powder. Yes, it's so sweet it actually makes your teeth hurt. But oh, that hurt is so, so good. And available 24 hours! Available at 7-11 stores everywhere.

Guilty Pleasure 2: Lemon Bars from Finales Gourmet Desserts

In Seattle, there's a wholesaler, Finales Gourmet Desserts, which supplies baked goods for a variety of cafes and coffee shops in the area. Though we don't have a complete list of where this particular treat is available amongst their accounts (trust us, we called and asked), it's usually a pretty safe bet that you'll find their dangerously delectable lemon bars at most Tully's locations in the area. These weighty bars have a bottom oaty crust, smothered with a thick, creamy lemon curd (which is delightfully devoid of the eggy flavor that can plague some lemon bars) and then topped with a layer of hard, ever-so-slightly salted crumbs which add a light crunch and a nice contrast to the sweet lemon filling. As a Finales employee tells us, they're certainly "not low-fat", but they certainly aren't lacking in deliciousness. Generally available at Seattle-area Tully's locations; tullys.com.

Guilty Pleasure 3: Pink Frosted Cookies

Whether it's from a plastic box like the Lofthouse Cookies, singly packaged like the mighty Uncle Seth's, or homemade (slice and bake acceptable), we love soft frosted sugar cookies--especially when the frosting is pink. This is a simple cookie, deeply un-gourmet and yet amazingly satisfying somehow. True, sometimes they're so sweet they make our head hurt. But they always make us smile, and isn't that worth something? For more resources, check out our history of the Pink Frosted Cookie.

Guilty Pleasure 4: Vanilla or Chocolate Kreme Donuts from Dunkin' Donuts

Have you ever tried one of the Kreme filled donuts from Dunkin' Donuts? Well. If not, here's a hint of what you're missing. First, the puff of "Kreme" that comes out the top of the donut, a sweet, slick taste that envelops the entire mouth. Then, the bite of powdered sugar and carbohydratey goodness that is the donut. Then the combination of tastes, mingling in your mouth, which tastes something like a mother's love and slow death all at once. How sweet it is indeed. Of course, there's no pleasure if it's a "Bummer" Kreme Donut--one that only has the Kreme on the outside and a mere puff on the inside. Those are just cruel. Available at Dunkin' Donuts locations; dunkindonuts.com.

Guilty Pleasure 5: Frosting-Smothered Animal Crackers

On the one hand, you may think this is too similar to the pink frosted cookie to have its own category. However, upon further thought, they really are different worlds. These crackers have a satisfying snap and no-way-can-you-stop-at-one quality which leaves them on their own turf. It's as if a cookie was shrunk down into elf form, and then smothered in a sweet coating that is half frosting, half nonpareil. Gorgeous. Available in most grocery stores.

Of course, all of this begs the question...what are your guilty pleasures?